It’s August and I’ve been living in Boston since I moved back from China at the end of 2013. A LOT has happened over the course of 9+ months back in America and I thought it was time to check in with AL.ME to recap what’s happened and the hidden challenges of my repat experience. Enjoy installment #4!

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Speaking a foreign language everyday for 8 years is without a doubt a great way to build up that skill. You not only learn how to express yourself in a translated form, but you also experience social interactions in a whole new light. However, you will begin to find yourself behaving differently in your work and at home, with friends and your lover(s).

For years I’ve made specific comparisons between the way Chinese and Americans view and interact with the world around us. We have a lot more in common than we think, but the differences are noticeable. Here are a few changes that I’ve definitely noticed while I’ve been back in America the past year.

Being literal: Chinese is full of euphemisms but the communication style in China is still very literal. By that I mean things like sarcasm don’t usually translate very well (or at all). And over time I’ve gotten used to understanding what people say in a rather literal way.

Just the other day a friend said she “could get into salmon if it was fried,” not raw like sushi. And my brain immediately thought ‘gross, get into salmon?’ Like, physically. My mental image was a person climbing into a big tuna-looking thing like Luke Skywalker taking refuge in a Taun Taun.

And this kind of thing happens all the time… Ugh! During the winter I asked my mom what we call those sewer access tunnels that are everywhere on the streets. She said, “Oh, those are manholes!” *sigh* …disgusting…

Then, my coworker told me that our client desperately wanted a meeting with our VP of Product whose name is Richard. He said, “They want to meet with him but he’s too busy today. Dick’s getting pulled in so many directions all at the same time.” Hahaha… I literally had to take a knee for that one.

On a more serious note…
Texting: Now that I’m back in America I find that a lot of non-baby-boomers I care about prefer texting to calling – and it feels kinda weird. The feeling now is that a call is a distraction or somehow the caller is barging in on your life or devaluing your time. Like I’m a telemarketer! (I’m not, I’m actually your brother.)

I get that a call in the middle of your meal or work or tv show is kind of an interruption. But when are we not doing something that could be interrupted nowadays? When we’re not working, we’re playing, and when we’re not sleeping or eating, we’re watching tv or reading a book or driving somewhere. We’re always doing something, but I don’t get why I’m not worth answering the phone for. Why is catching up with the Kardashians more important than catching up with your family?

And when I text, it sometimes takes hours for a reply. Why is this considered appropriate even after a phone call gets unanswered. I’m not a chick you’ve just started dating – and you don’t want to seem desperate by replying too quickly – I’m your family, I’m your friend. By the same token, I will make sure to answer your call, text, or message promptly because I love you and you are always worth my time.

Am I losing my mind, or am I just a Repat?

“Lie” is a strong word but I’ve decided I’m going to use it anyway… As westerners get in closer touch with Asian counterparts, who seemingly hold the future of the global economy in their hands, we are tasked with understanding their ways. By “ways” I mean culture, language, and identity. You could read volumes on Chinese culture, history, and customs, but they wouldn’t prepare you for the actual events that you will inevitably experience. Just like reading the operation manual of a submarine, you might find that just jumping into one and tinkering with the controls would be loads more effective. But you should remember a few pointers and “lie to me because you care” is one of them.

Like I said, “lie” is a strong word and it shouldn’t be thrown around effortlessly anywhere in the world. Specifically, when you anticipate that you are being lied to in China, it’s always better to examine their underlying interests rather than jumping toward accusations or scoring points. Misunderstandings are one of the major contributors to failure for westerners in China. That’s probably because we often look at business situations and friendships in black and white. We deal in immediate cause and effect, whereas our Chinese friends don’t believe it is that simple.

AL.ME related article — “Fibs are for Friends: Dishonesty a Virtue in China”

In business, Americans might believe we are good negotiators because we come from a society in which we start new relationships with the expectation of trust before doubt. “Here’s $50,000 for 50 industrial washing machines. Done.” Giving others the benefit of the doubt, provided that the American legal system will back us up,  allows for a speedy business environment. No friendship is necessary in most cases. But in China it is quite the opposite.

You will have to become friends before you can do any real business together here. A trust deficiency exists in relationships with those they’ve never met before or with those who don’t have intermediate relationships in place. I consider it a kind of natural paranoia generated by a long history of internal war and invasion by outsiders.

Now, what does all this have to do with “lying”? First of all, since relationships are crucial to get anything done here it is extremely important not to offend or upset your friends. Everything you say, even in passing, could be misinterpreted. For example, you got into a small car accident that was your fault and you can’t go to a scheduled business dinner tonight. When you tell others that you can’t go, you should say “I’m not feeling well” instead of mentioning the car accident.  Why? Well, if you told the others you were in a car accident they would be concerned about your health. Maybe they will try to find you and pick you up. Or even worse, they might think that you aren’t a safe driver… or have some other embarrassing flaws.

A colleague of mine from JNU once confessed, “I hate how dishonest my culture is.” She said this shortly after her son excused himself from our office by saying “my phone doesn’t get good reception in here.” Anticipated concern about how others might perceive you or your actions is at the forefront of Chinese social behavior. Respect, honor, reputation, and other aspects of culture also greatly influence the kind of “lying” you will experience out here. I’m constantly discussing Honesty with my Chinese girlfriend, who finds me to be awkwardly direct and truthful. To her, its shameful for a man to say he’s wrong or that he needs help in some way.

During the financial struggles in the US over the past 5 years, I’m sure some people have told their spouses that they still have the job which they were laid off from during a string of cost-cutting. Saving face is universal, but I’ve never experienced it to such a degree as in China. I know this kind of “lying” exists elsewhere and I’m sure you’ve had experiences with it too. Please share them in a comment below!

• Chinese Business Etiquette and Protocol (Part II of II) (pepegins.com)
• Chinese language program booming at CHS (dailyprogress.com)
• Me on a Game show in China (asianliving.me)