Readers of AL.ME know that I recently repatriated from a long visit to China (8 years or so:). And coming back to your home country after being away for so long is a lot like getting over an ex. You were with that boyfriend or girlfriend for 5+ years, but now that it’s over you are dreading the recovery period… In my case, I’m getting over a country and a way of living. What is that unscientific equation? I think it’s…getting over him/her = total time together / 2. (So I’ve got another 4 years to go!)

But fresh off that separation anxiety you realize how much different your life becomes. Your eatin’, sleepin’, socializin’, shoppin’ are all very different but you just have to get used to it. This is the vaguely familiar, new normal for Repats. Now that you’re back you realize how food is more expensive but less healthy (unless you get the salad at a restaurant); everyday shopping is more expensive and there’s very little negotiating; socializing is a whole bunch of going Dutch events in which nobody owes anyone else anything; and health care feels like a scam every time you use it.

Now, to be fair, these frustrations are not as horrible as they first seem. Yes, American food is probably the result of immigrants neglecting their traditional food culture over generations, but there are still authentic restaurants I could go to. With a little strategic planning and flexible standards, shopping doesn’t have to be an exercise in getting screwed so often. Going out with friends, family, and coworkers could be a lot more enjoyable if I just concentrated on the now rather than the future. And going to a clinic or hospital… well, I don’t think I can rewire my brain to think that it’s acceptable the way it is…

What I’ve found is that my “problems” here not really problems – they’re first world problems. They are annoyances that, when combined with a lack of awareness, blow up into much bigger issues if I let them. And a big part of repatriating is finding a way to get through these sometimes difficult situations. Life still goes on. The sun still rises in the morning.

Chinese Twitter threads that I’ve seen discussing foreigners living in their country for extended periods ask: “Why do they [Westerners] stay here when they could live a developed country?” And the answer often looks like this: They are bored of Heaven and need a break from it!

Haha. Well, I wouldn’t call America heaven, but in the greater scheme of things life here is much better than it is for people in the developing world. And although I miss the good food, the warm friendships, the great markets, and the non-bankrupting health care options available there, I know coming back to the US was a great decision.

Up-rooting everything and moving back to the US was almost as big a change as the initial move out to Asia. And when you make a big move (new job pending) it’s important to keep costs down and stretch your savings. That’s when the Repat has to tap their network, find deals, and hack the systems that drain your interim funds.

Even though the rent is too damn high (!) you have to find a way to ease into an affordable lease. When I just got back to the US I stayed with family in Boston and NH for a few months. Then I subletted a place and moved on to a lease, all of which were never more than 20% of my income. When your income is low (or non-existent) you have to create some rules for yourself and make responsible choices. It’s that simple. Tap your networks, be a guest, and allow yourself to owe friends and family. You’ll have plenty of chances to be generous to them later.

Your home entertainment budget doesn’t have to be high to enjoy your down time. I got an LCD screen TV as a gift and piped in Aereo for 6 months. It was $8 a month and I also borrowed a Netflix account from a family member. I got Amazon prime free with a new credit card and that provides a lot of shows and movies to stream. Any big sports games can be a time for get-togethers at someone’s house or at a bar. You don’t have to spend $100 per month on a cable package at home. And with the money you save, spend some of it on the family and friends who were kind enough to let you stay with them rent-free for a while.

Cell service also doesn’t need to be $80-100 per month. You could get a reasonably priced smart phone and a no-contract deal with TracFone or StraightTalk. By doing that I was able to get unlimited coverage (voice, text, data) for $41 per month when you pay for 3 or 6 months in advance. An even cheaper way to go is to buy a feature phone and limited minutes/texts per month for closer to $15 per month. It’s limited and not as fun, but at least you’ll have a number that you can be reached at during your job hunting.

Food is not cheap in the city. One of the ways I was able to keep my food costs low was to visit supermarkets in NH. Since I was visiting family in NH almost every week anyway, I saved extra by shopping for everything there. It wasn’t just cheaper food but also lower prices on clothes, shoes, and other essentials. In fact, my cheaper cell service was due to it being purchased in NH too.

And that brings us to transportation. By the time I started subletting I had a regular paycheck coming in. My work was outside the city, so as much as I didn’t want to drive myself around, I still needed a car. The commuter rail was not convenient enough and costed close to $200 per month anyway. What I ended up doing was getting a 50+ mpg Prius on a $305 per month lease. It was more expensive but not by much. I got TotyotaCare for 2 years the cost of gassing it up was very affordable. (8 gallons every 450 miles) This allowed me to get around a lot easier, visit family in NH, and take a date out in something respectable.

It’s August and I’ve been living in Boston since I moved back from China at the end of 2013. A LOT has happened over the course of 9+ months back in America and I thought it was time to check in with AL.ME to recap what’s happened and the hidden challenges of my repat experience. Enjoy installment #4!

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Speaking a foreign language everyday for 8 years is without a doubt a great way to build up that skill. You not only learn how to express yourself in a translated form, but you also experience social interactions in a whole new light. However, you will begin to find yourself behaving differently in your work and at home, with friends and your lover(s).

For years I’ve made specific comparisons between the way Chinese and Americans view and interact with the world around us. We have a lot more in common than we think, but the differences are noticeable. Here are a few changes that I’ve definitely noticed while I’ve been back in America the past year.

Being literal: Chinese is full of euphemisms but the communication style in China is still very literal. By that I mean things like sarcasm don’t usually translate very well (or at all). And over time I’ve gotten used to understanding what people say in a rather literal way.

Just the other day a friend said she “could get into salmon if it was fried,” not raw like sushi. And my brain immediately thought ‘gross, get into salmon?’ Like, physically. My mental image was a person climbing into a big tuna-looking thing like Luke Skywalker taking refuge in a Taun Taun.

And this kind of thing happens all the time… Ugh! During the winter I asked my mom what we call those sewer access tunnels that are everywhere on the streets. She said, “Oh, those are manholes!” *sigh* …disgusting…

Then, my coworker told me that our client desperately wanted a meeting with our VP of Product whose name is Richard. He said, “They want to meet with him but he’s too busy today. Dick’s getting pulled in so many directions all at the same time.” Hahaha… I literally had to take a knee for that one.

On a more serious note…
Texting: Now that I’m back in America I find that a lot of non-baby-boomers I care about prefer texting to calling – and it feels kinda weird. The feeling now is that a call is a distraction or somehow the caller is barging in on your life or devaluing your time. Like I’m a telemarketer! (I’m not, I’m actually your brother.)

I get that a call in the middle of your meal or work or tv show is kind of an interruption. But when are we not doing something that could be interrupted nowadays? When we’re not working, we’re playing, and when we’re not sleeping or eating, we’re watching tv or reading a book or driving somewhere. We’re always doing something, but I don’t get why I’m not worth answering the phone for. Why is catching up with the Kardashians more important than catching up with your family?

And when I text, it sometimes takes hours for a reply. Why is this considered appropriate even after a phone call gets unanswered. I’m not a chick you’ve just started dating – and you don’t want to seem desperate by replying too quickly – I’m your family, I’m your friend. By the same token, I will make sure to answer your call, text, or message promptly because I love you and you are always worth my time.

Am I losing my mind, or am I just a Repat?

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When you live in another country for so many years (8 in China, 1 in Korea in my case) you eventually accept and internalize how the local culture does things. In the case of finding an apartment for rent, signing a contract, and moving in, there were some surprise differences for me here in Boston. For starters, the value proposition of rent in a city like Boston is a horrible deal.

As Winter 2013/2014 ticked by, the experience of subletting from a “slumlord” (in the local lexis) was more of an exercise in price-gouging than fair accommodation. At $950 a month from each of the 5 roommates, this rickety old house with warped floor boards, drafty windows, unreliable water pressure, and noisy street traffic was a tough pill to swallow when compared to my previous living situation in Zhuhai. Back in China I was in a modern, newly furnished, single apartment with reliable utilities and an ocean view off the balcony for $300 a month. I know… location, location, location. *barf*

Locating an apartment and securing a lease is also quite different than I was used to. In China, I was expected to wait until 1-2 weeks before my move-in date to actually look for the new apartment, otherwise it wouldn’t “be available” on the date I was looking to move. It was all very last minute, but you could always find a place in the end. In Boston, I’ve experienced weeks of searching and interviewing just to sign a lease that would begin nearly 3 months later. All very much in advance and reliable, however, requiring $3000 up front upon signing the lease. Putting that money in the hands of the landlord (a stranger) so early threw up a red flag for this repat, quite naturally, but I later realized that this is how apartment-hunting is done here. I needed to accept this or go back to wherever it was “I came from.”

Here’s the paradox – when we say business or deals “take forever” in Asian countries, that’s not always the case. This is one example that is the exact opposite and actually quite challenging for a recent repat to accept. In this series of articles about being a Repat, you’ll see this pattern reoccur, again and again.

Are you a Repat? Please share your comments below. Or subscribe for more about repatriating from China in articles like Job Hunting as a Repat and Food & Dining.